


put on a smile

by ibtp



Series: don't need to say i love you to say i love you [3]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2020-09-27 10:28:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20406226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibtp/pseuds/ibtp
Summary: Five times Will smiles, and one time he doesn't.Or, Will is confined away from the infirmary for three days, before having a breakdown.





	1. Chapter 1

It was around the time Naomi's cancer had started to set in, and Will had never seen his mother so frail and weak. But they'd said that it would be fine, that his mother would pull through. In the meantime, he was staying with his favorite aunt, Alicia, and though he was worried, he'd seemed fine. At least, Alicia thought so, until she heard him bawling in his bedrooms one morning. 

He hadn't meant to start crying. In all likelihood, his mother would survive. It was what the doctors had said, after all, and the doctors _must_ be correct. They saved lives, after all. They wouldn't lie. No, he had to believe the doctors, that his mother would be fine, and keep on going. His mother had said so herself, the last time he'd visited her, and he was determined to do just that. 

But he'd had a dream. 

Will had bad experiences with dreams. He'd once dreamed that there was massive, slobbering, dark dog in his room, leaning over him and about to eat him, and when he woke up, he thought he saw the dog. He screamed, loud and piercing, and his mother rushed in, alert and looking ready to banish any monster. But she opened the door to nothing; where the dog once stood, mere seconds ago, there was only air, all traces of a monster, if there had truly been one, gone. 

This dream was similar, in that it was blood-chilling in how lifelike it was. 

He woke up crying, tear streaming down his face uncontrollably, his face already stained by tear tracks. He had bawled for a full on five minutes before Alicia found him, in the same position he'd woken up in, trying to muffle his sobs into his pillow. For some reason, crying felt too much like defeat, like the battle was already over. Like admitting there was nothing more that could be done. 

"William, what's wrong?" 

It only made him cry more. The only person that called him William was his mother, and sometimes Alicia. Everyone else called him Will, because William was an old person's name. Hardly fitting for such a bright, young thing, adults liked to say. 

He didn't know, but he'd heard that his father had also called himself William. Adults whispered and gossiped, even in front of children. William had left, walked away from his pregnant girlfriend and his unborn son. Everyone around him hated his father, but his mother had told him that she always knew he wasn't going to stay. He hadn't understood how she could still love him, even knowing that it wouldn't last. She told him that he was like the sun, and that it was all worth it for the precious moments they'd had, like Icarus drunk on his own freedom, trying to reach the exact thing that killed him. 

_If only she asked him to stay longer, he could've cured-_

His mother liked Greek myths. Especially the one about Apollo. She always said that he was like Will. 

He cried even harder. 

If he was Apollo, he'd be able to save her. 

_He should have-_

_He should have-_

"Will, sweetie, what's wrong?" 

Alicia wrapped her arms protectively around Will. He cried in her shoulder. 

When his cries subsided into manageable sniffles, he said, "S-she can't die. Mom _can't _die. If she does, I'll never see her again. Never."

"What? Will, what gave you that idea?" 

"The man! In the dream! He said-he said that if Mom dies, I'll never get to see her again. He said I'm not like her. That her Heaven won't be like mine. T-that's what he said. Aunt Alicia, she _can't_ die! She just _can't_!" 

"A man?" Alicia frowned, worry stemming from unwanted knowledge clouding her face. When she saw Will's fearful expression, though, she rearranged the look on her face. 

"Don't worry about your dreams, Will. The doctors said that your mother was getting better, right? Don't you believe the doctors? Come on, sweetie, there's no need to cry. It's only a dream. Your dreams aren't real."

She let him cry a little longer, even though her shirt was on its way to being completely unusable. 

"Hey, chin up, okay Will? There's no need to cry. Your mom is going to be completely fine. She's going to be okay. But she's not feeling really well right now, okay? So we don't want to make her condition worse, okay?" 

"O-okay," he sniffled some more, but managed to say. 

"Why don't you show me your best smile?" 

He tried, he really did, but all he managed was less of a frown, his face still twisted in that way that kids' faces do after they cry. 

"Come on," Alicia cheered, "you can do better than that. Show me a big, toothy smile, okay?" 

He tried again and she ruffled his hair and comforted him some more, telling him again and again that his dreams weren't real unless he let them be. 

_Shit._

Will regained consciousness, though he was still at the edge of sleep and wakefulness. He'd had this dream before, one of a few reoccurring nightmares. Unlike most demigods, and his more prophetic siblings, Will's dreams could hardly count as important. He'd never had a dream that was even mildly prophetic, despite his parentage with Apollo. Will's dreams were about the past, not the future. 

That dream, the part about his mother dying, was the only one that had ever come true.

_God._

Why did he have to have the dream now? 

Maybe his dream encounter with his mother had shaken him more than he'd thought. 

He hadn't slept well since he'd talked to his mother's ghost in a dream, this nap of a few hours being the longest sleep he'd gotten since. 

_Shit._

He cursed softly, his head still slumped in his arms and his eyes still closed. There was no way he was ready to confront reality now, not when he'd no doubt been crying.

Gods, he had such a massive headache. 

He thought back to his dream, to Aunt Alicia, carefully avoiding all thoughts of Naomi Solace. 

His aunt Alicia taught him a lot about being a healer, more than anyone would have thought. She was the one who taught him to put on a smile, even when he didn't want to; not directly, of course, but in how she used to smile for Will even though he could hear her cry when she thought he was asleep (the walls weren't as thick as she thought). The way she tried to be happy for Will, even when she wasn't actually inside. 

It was a good skill to have, in and out of the infirmary, especially when you had to be a leader. 

_Not doing an especially good job of that, huh?_

He felt the familiar weight of remorse and regret and doubt press against his chest, and decided he couldn't stay like this, trapped at the brink of unconsciousness with his thoughts and worries. 

He lifted his head and opened his eyes, blinking at the sudden light. Slightly dazed, he wandered around, looking for Amanda or one of his other siblings. He walked around for some time before he finally stumbled on Kayla. 

"Kayla? Hey, where's everybody?" 

"Will? You're awake? And what do you mean, where's everybody?" 

"Yeah, where's everybody? I've been walking around for a while and I haven't met anyone yet." 

"What? Everyone's in Maria's room. You know, the new demigod? The one you personally stitched up and stayed up looking over until we forced you to go into the backroom to sleep a little because you wouldn't leave the infirmary when she was still in it? You know, her?" 

Will frowned a little before realization sunk in.

"OH! Shit, shit, Maria! I can't believe I slept for so long- I totally forgot- Shit, shit I was so stupid- Kayla, is she alright? Shit, shit, shit," he ran his hand through his hair as he cursed, a habit of his when he was distraught that he'd never broken. 

"Woah, woah, Will, calm down. Yes, she's fine, yes, our siblings are in there with her. No, you didn't abandon her, because she was basically fine after you healed her up. Calm down, Will. She's perfectly fine, Will. Because of you." 

"But I totally forgot, and I fell asleep for so long, and now everyone had to stay up because of me, and I have this huge headache, and I can't- Gods, Kayla, I totally fucked up, didn't I?" 

"Will, Will. Hey, Will, look at me," she waited until he did, "listen up, Will, you didn't fuck anything up. You're still mortal, Will. You have to sleep. It's perfectly natural. It's fine, Will. She's fine."

He calmed down a little at that. He made to leave, but she put a hand on his arm, stopping him. 

_Uh-oh, _he thought to himself, _she looks worried._

"Hey, Will?" She asked softly, looking at him with concerned. She opened her mouth and closed it a few times, as if she didn't know what to say. 

"Yeah?" he asked warily. 

"Are you okay? Like, seriously okay? Actually, don't answer that. You'll just say that you're fine, that there's nothing to worry about, like you always do. Oh, don't look so surprised, Will. It's not the first time, you know. You always say that. Look Will, we've been worried about you. Me, our other siblings, Nico, Lou, Cecil, all of your friends. We've all been worried. You haven't been sleeping well, you haven't been eating well, you take longer shifts, you look tired all the time. And today, that's probably the longest you've slept, and it was only a few hours! _When was the last time you got a full night's sleep_?! We're worried, Will. _I'm_ worried." 

When her voice rose to the highest pitch it could, she stopped, but didn't stop pinning Will down with her stare, an archer's eagle stare. 

Will shifted on his feet guiltily. The truth was, Kayla was right, but she was clearly asking for a reason, and he didn't want burden her with everything. He would deal with this alone, like he always had. 

"Look, Will," she started talking again after taking a deep breath, softer this time, "I'm not asking you to tell me whatever started this. I know you don't like talking about your personal problems. But just- take a break, sometimes, okay? Don't overwork yourself. Actually, what about this? You'll take three days off. Three days away from the infirmary, pranking with Lou and Cecil, doing disgustingly sweet couple stuff with Nico, singing with Damien, doing archery with Leia, sleeping in, whatever. Three days away from the infirmary, just having some R&R time. And one of those days has to be tomorrow."

"But-"

She waved away his protests, "It doesn't have to be three consecutive days. I don't think you'd be able to take it. Three days."

She rolled her eyes when she saw him trying to protest again, "We won't burn down the infirmary just because you're not here, Will. We can do without you for a few days. Anyways, I'm pretty sure Nico will appreciate it. He already agrees with me, anyway." She looked extremely smug as she informed him of that fact. 

"Fine, " he sighed, defeated, "you win. I'll do it. I mean, what can happen in three days, right?"

"Good," Kayla answered cheerily, clapping him on the shoulder in a suspiciously parental manner, "glad we understand each other. I better not see you tomorrow! Now go to sleep. Good night, Will."

"Yeah," he smiled tiredly, "good night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is kind of angsty but be prepared for a lot of fluff (but not too much)!!!


	2. Chapter 2

Will slept fitfully. When he went to bed, it was six in the morning, having been kicked out by Ella who'd found him skulking around the infirmary. He wondered if there was bags under his eyes. Vaguely, he wondered if it mattered. 

He was awakened by the sunlight pouring through the opened blinds of the cabin. 

"Will? You're finally awake?" Mark peered at him critically through his glasses, looking up from the archery magazine he was reading. 

"Careful, Mark, you look like your mother." Mark rolled his eyes. His mother was an esteemed scientist, and Mark hated being compared to her, or Apollo, which was why they liked to do it at any given opportunity. 

"Shut up. It's three in the afternoon, Will."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled into his pillow, intending to slumber a little longer. Sadly, his plans were interrupted as Mark threw the closest pillow (Adriana's) at him. He propped himself up to glare at his brother, who recoiled dramatically at the sight of him.

"Yeesh, Will!"

Will glared at him harder, and Mark gave him an mock apologetic smile, before adding, "I know Kayla says you've been overexerting yourself, which I mean, we didn't need her to tell us, since we could all see that, but how many shifts have you been taking? Man, I crash in the Athena Cabin for one day and you become a zombie?"

Will flopped down face first into his pillow, and groaned, mumbling, "Is it that bad?"

"Honestly, you look like a you were killed, revived, killed again, revived, run over by a truck and turned into a zombie. Or like Hannah gave you a makeover." 

Will groaned again. "That bad?"

"Well," Mark hesitated, "I guess it could be worse. You could have a furry face or something." 

"Wow, thanks Mark, I feel so much better," Will replied sarcastically, to which Mark only shrugged. 

"Well, at least I tried."

"Lousy try then." 

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Mark threw another pillow at him, "now get out. Harley's coming over and I'm not having my date ruined because my older brother looks like a zombie."

"Urgh, why? Why can't you have a date in the Hecate Cabin?"

"Have you _been _in that cabin?" Mark frowned with distaste at Will. "It's filled with potions and spells and I'm more likely to get poisoned than to get a kiss. Blergh. I'm never having a date in that cabin. Not after last time."

Will laughed at the memory of his younger brother being turned into a toad, and having to be kept in a cage because he'd lost his human mind, "Yeah, that was pretty funny." 

Mark threw a pillow at him again, and declared, "Get out."

When Will didn't budge, he glared at his brother, and said again, "Seriously, get out. I had to trade cleaning duty with Adrien and Hannah for this! Harley's coming in like, ten minutes, and there's no way in Hades I'm going on a date with my girlfriend with my brother in the same room. Go sleep in the Hades Cabin or something. Do your own couple stuff with Nico or something. Just get out!"

Reluctantly, Will stood up. He'd gotten up at around twelve, for about thirty minutes, enough time for him to change his clothes and go through his morning routine, before Austin caught him yawning profusely and made him go to sleep again. Yawning a bit, he went to exit the cabin, flipping off Mark who blew a raspberry at him. 

Outside, the light was even harsher, and he had to blink several times to adjust. 

He decided to listen to Mark, and find Nico. 

He looked in the usual places (Cabin 13, dining, Ares Cabin, the field) but couldn't find him, so he went to the last place on the list, which was really the first place he should have gone to. 

The arena was empty, and dusty, except for two figures in the center. Will slowed his pace as he approached examining the two figures. 

The shorter figure, he recognized as Hale, one of the younger members of Hermes Cabin, and unclaimed. He was holding his sword in front of him defensively, warding off the taller figure's attacks. 

Will's eyes were drawn to him. Nico looked beautiful, like he always did when he fought, even if it was just a friendly spar meant to teach the younger kid. Nico had been helping the younger kids with their sword-fighting (as he was the one of the best swordsmen in camp, especially since Percy left), but he'd taken a particular shine to Hale. Maybe he saw some part of himself in Hale, who had a hard time adjusting to Camp Half-Blood, was orphaned by his mortal parents, and had a hard time in and out of the foster system. Hale had been doing a lot better since Nico had taken him under his wing, though, and Will could see just how good of a mentor Nico was. He was fierce and gentle at the same time, not exactly holding back but also making sure not to injure the other boy.

He was good. Too good, really, to even exist. 

He also couldn't help his thoughts from straying away from how his mentor thing, towards things like how ripped his boyfriend was, how he had biceps and abs and muscles, and how he was sweating... Well, towards other, less, er, PG areas, to put it plainly. 

The clash of swords stopped, and Will was interrupted in his salacious er, thoughts, by Nico shouting, "Hey, Earth to Will!" 

"Hm, what?" 

Nico looked at him strangely. "Are you okay?"

"Er, yes, of course, I'm perfectly fine. Yes. Just great." 

"Hey, Hale, is it fine if we cut this session short? I'll make it up to you." 

"Hey, I'm not going to get in the way of true love. I'll just go bother Quinn, no worries," Hale raised his hands in a placating gesture, smirking as Nico shot him an annoyed glance, before sauntering off. 

Nico watched him saunter off, before turning to Will, looking concerned. "Are you actually okay?" 

He leaned to lay his head on the taller boy's shoulder, sighing a little in relief as he closed his eyes a little. Will could smell the sweat and the underlying hint of mint and pomegranate, and felt Nico's sharp chin dig into his shoulder. 

Instead of answering, he said, "Your chin is really sharp, you know." 

"Don't change the subject." 

"I'm not, it's just an observation." 

"Hm," Nico didn't say anything, just made a noise as he dug his chin harder, his face covered by Will's hair. 

"Yes, yes, I am okay."

Nico opened one eye, looking skeptical. "Kayla told me you fell asleep in the infirmary, and that when you woke up, you didn't remember what was happening. You even forgot about performing surgery on Maria, apparently, and you never forget about anyone." 

Will closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 

"Will, I'm just concerned. Are you okay? Ever since the Romans have left, you've been... off. At first, I thought it was overexertion, but now..." he sighed, "I don't know what to think." 

Nico lifted his head off of Will's shoulder and moved to face him, eyeing him balefully, daring him to lie. 

Will sighed, not meeting his eyes, and then said, quietly, "I'm sorry." 

"Oh, Will," Nico muttered and then opened his arms to pull his boyfriend into a hug, "don't be. Don't be."

"I am, though. I mean, I shouldn't even be," he groaned in frustration, "it's not even like my problems are that bad. I shouldn't be burdening you with all of my problems."

”Will you know it’s not-“

”Like that,” Will finished for him, “I know. Just- Can we talk about something else?”

Nico hesitated at Will’s pleading tone. 

“Fine. But this conversation is not over.”

Will sighed and made a grimace, “Yeah I was afraid of that.”

Nico laughed a little incredulously and said, “Just as long as you know.”

”Yeah, yeah. Can we go now? Not that I don’t like you being all sweaty and hot or whatever but you kind of stink. And I kind of wanted to do something...More romantic.”

"Romantic?" Nico raised an eyebrow, and Will flushed red. 

"N-Not like _that_. You know I wouldn't do- I mean, I would- I mean... Oh, shut up," he grumbled as Nico laughed at him, his face still scarlet. 

"I know, Will. That's why I like you so much. I know you didn't mean it like that," he took Will's hands in his and intertwined their fingers together, before giving his boyfriend on his temple, "I trust you Will. You're amazing. Now come on, I'm going to shower, yeah? And then we can do something 'romantic.'"

"Alright." Will let himself get pulled away by Nico, and anyone that happened to be in their proximity (and even people that weren't) could tell that he was enamored with the son of Hades. 

Will fingered the black silk sheets on Nico's bed. 

Frankly, he hadn't expected much of Cabin 13; Nico loved to complain that whoever had built it must have thought that children of Hades were vampires, and that they had even put coffins as bed, though this last fact had been rectified in the first few weeks of Nico's permanent stay at Camp Half-Blood, traded for a real bed and mattress (the coffin was generously donated to the Hermes Cabin, though nobody knew how that decision had been reached or what they decided to do with it). He knew that there had been repairs done on it, since he'd helped too, but the final product was still a little amazing. 

Instead of coffins, there was a single, big bed in the middle of the room with another smaller room adjoined off of it (obviously Hazel’s; it was unlikely that anyone else be allowed sleep there). Nico’s bed was huge, at least for camp standards, covered in a satin bedsheets and cotton blankets. There was a mahogany dresser on the side, with a framed photo of the both of them smiling brightly, another one of Hazel smiling shyly at the camera, and a last one that was old and faded, one of Bianca that must have been salvaged from who knows when. The mattress was feather light and soft, and Will was currently slumped on it, struggling not to fall asleep, only kept awake by the sound of water running and the promise of seeing (and hopefully cuddling with) Nico. 

A while later, Will heard the sound of running water stop and the padding of feet on obsidian approach him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Nico, shirtless, dripping of water, walk to him and flop on the bed next to him. It was nice, he thought, simply lying here, teetering at the edge of wakefulness with Nico’s hand in his grasp. It seemed that even nightmares shied away from the pure simplicity of the moment, as if they too knew that this moment was sacred, unbreachable. 

“Hey, you good?” Will’s eyes flickered open to gaze at Nico, looking at him with measured concern and overflowing affection. 

“Yeah, perfect actually,” he replied, a smile finding its way on his face as he placed a chaste kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead, “you’re here, after all.” 


	3. Chapter 3

For the first time in what felt like forever, Will slept the entire night. 

He woke, blinking sluggishly and making noises of protest as blinds were opened. He hid under his blanket and slept for a few more minutes, before the sun simply could not be ignored any longer, and propped himself up on his bed. 

It was his second day away from the infirmary, about a week after his first one; Kayla had let him back though she monitored his hours scrupulously, cutting away hours that he'd had before and giving him less work than he would have given himself.

"Wha' time 's it?" he mumbled groggily, still blinking sluggishly at the lights that seeped through the flimsy blinds in the cabin. 

"Will!" Hannah, his youngest sibling at seven, jumped on him. She peered at him, sitting on his chest, grinning happily. As the youngest, she was babied, and she knew it. She liked to take advantage of that by doing things, such as jumping on to people when they were sleeping. 

"Oof," he grumbled, giving her a slight sleepy smile, "you're heavy, Hannah." 

"Well, I should think so. I am seven, after all." She affected a high-and-mighty expression that was almost perfectly identical to Lou's.

"_Someone's_ spending too much time with Lou," he said, and grabbed her waist.

She flopped down with an "Oomph!" and much squealing.

"Will!" she yelled reproachfully, laughing the entire time. 

"C'mon, I want to sleep a little more," he mumbled into her hair, chestnut brown locks covering his entire face. It prickled uncomfortably, but he didn't mind.

"Will, it's eight o'clock," she protested, but closed her eyes all the same, "and I changed out of my pajamas and everything already." 

"Hm," he answered. 

They stayed like that for a while, before a knock on the door startled them both. 

"Come in!" Hannah, a notoriously heavy sleeper, was sound asleep in his arms, and he didn't want to get up and open the door. 

"Will?" Nico walked cautiously, as if afraid of traps. Will wondered if he should be affronted. Hermes or Ares, he would have understood, but his cabin was perfectly up to standards, thank you very much. 

"Here!" 

"What are you- Oh my gods, Will," he snickered in his hand, not bothering to hide. 

"What?" 

"Nothing. It's just- You do know it's like, nine, right? And that Hannah has sword fighting?" Wait, nine? How long did he lie there? He must have fallen asleep sometime, if an entire hour had passed. 

"Yeah," he grumbled sulkily, "but how do you know?" 

"Mason is the one teaching that class, remember?" Mason was another one of the friends Nico had made during the summer, a surprisingly mild-tempered son of Ares, who looked looked nonthreatening enough, but shouldn't be trusted with explosives. It was also worth mentioning that he was notoriously good at sniffing out traps/pranks, and that even the Stoll twins had yet to manage pranking him except that one time when he'd first come to camp. 

"At least it's not Clarisse. She'd probably kill me for making Hannah late or something. Gods, how did Hannah manage to make her like her so much?" 

"Well, clearly, she knows how to wrap people around her finger. You can hardly refuse her anything." 

"Yeah, yeah," he made a face, "you're just jealous that you don't get to sleep in my super comfortable arms."

"Yeah, I am." He said it in such a casual, nonchalant manner, that Will thought it might be true. He blushed. 

"Well, I guess we could do that sometime." He tried to emulate Nico's nonchalance, and was rewarded with Nico's blush. 

"Yeah." 

They stood there in awkward silence, when Hannah stirred and Will remembered that she had been lying there the entire time. 

"Oh, hey, Nico," she waved at him, as if his presence was entirely expected (maybe it was).

She sat up, yawning, and got off the bed, looking suspiciously awake for someone who had been in such a deep sleep just minutes before, and walked out of the cabin, "Well, I'm going to go now. I'm late for sword fighting and I need to beat Adrian."

She shut the door behind her with a click. There was no one else in the cabin, a rare occurrence, leaving the both of them alone. There was a sort of charged feeling in the air. Will thought, with some amusement, that if any of Nico's friends or gods forbid Coach Hedge knew that they were in Will's cabin, unchaperoned and completely alone, they might have his head. 

"Well, we can sleep together now if you want," he smirked.

"Hm, nah," the son of Hades shook his head, "I think my cabin's better. Your bed's too small." 

"Ah! What betrayal!" Will mock gasped, which made Nico laugh, and the tension dissipated. Will got up, brushed his teeth, and changed (not in front of Nico, of course, who would probably have died if that happened), and soon they were out of the door. 

Breakfast was nice, as always. 

When they finished eating, Nico suggested a stroll, and he agreed. Chatting, they walked around, before their steps naturally led them to the training arena, in which Hannah was training in, or was supposed to be, though she frequently managed to convince whoever was teaching her into letting her leave (it was easy to mistake Hannah for a daughter of Aphrodite, with how well she could sweet talk people), when they were intercepted by a little girl. 

She was about twelve, shorter than Nico, chocolate brown curly locks and warm brown eyes. She planted herself in front of them, pouting at Nico, and asked, "Nico! You said you were going to help me with my sword fighting today! But you weren't there when I went! And- wait, is this your boyfriend?" 

"Maria," Nico blushed slightly, "this is-"

He looked at Will, cleared his throat, and continued, "Yes, this is my boyfriend, Will. He's uh, the reason I couldn't make it to our practice. Sorry, Maria." 

She frowned at him suspiciously, scrutinizing the both of them, before her expression morphed into an almost shy one, "Oh, that's okay then." 

She scuffed her shoes against the ground, looking more nervous by the second, before she turned her big, wide eyes to Will and blurted out, "Thankyouforsavingme!" 

"Huh?" He raised an eyebrow at Nico, who shrugged. 

"I mean, thank you. For saving me. Nico told me you were the one who healed me, right? I was- I’m the new demigod, the daughter of Demeter. Maria.”

”O-oh,” Will started, the memory resurfacing, “Maria? You were the one with the hellhound bite right? You needed stitches?” 

“Yeah,” she scuffed her shoe against the ground again, “I’m really grateful. You saved my life. I didn’t know you were Nico’s boyfriend though.” 

“Um, yeah, that’s who I am. The one and only boyfriend of Nico di Angelo,” turning to Nico, he added, "savior, hero and cutest boy on the planet." 

He gave the slightly blushing son of Hades an amused glance. Nico had gotten better with compliments since even before they'd started dating, but it was still easy to get him to blush at them. 

Oblivious to Nico's embarrassment, Maria told Will, "Nico is pretty great. Last Friday, he showed me all the coolest moves that I need to kill someone!"

Before she'd finished talking, Nico was waving his hand in front of him urgently, telling her not to continue. He was too late, though, and at those last three words, Will's grip on his hand tightened, and he raised a questioning eyebrow, as if to ask _What the Hades have you been teaching her? _If she hadn't been so enthusiastic, Nico bemoaned internally. 

"I swear, it's not like- I didn't _mean_ for it to be used to kill people, just, you know, in case she needed to use it say, against a monster, or a boy, or someone that was getting too close to her personal space-" 

Will's grip didn't slacken, but his eyes softened slightly and he opened his mouth, presumably to accuse Nico of being soft, but Maria said, before he could, "Thank you again. I'm glad I got to meet you, Will. You're just as great as everyone said you were."

Now, it was Will's turn to blush. 

"Me?" He asked, pointing to himself in disbelief. She cocked her head to the side in curiosity.

"Of course. I was really nervous to meet you. You're kind of my hero, actually." 

"Me? But- I'm hardly anything special. And you barely know me."

"Well, um, Nico and Hannah talk about you all the time. And everyone else has nothing but good things to say about you." 

"I-"

Will didn't know what to say, and Nico must have caught up on that because he replied in his stead, amusement lacing his voice, "I think you just broke him. Well, see you later Maria. I promise that I'll make it up to you." 

The younger girl waved goodbye and walked away, leaving a dazed Will. 

"Hey, Will, are you okay? She didn't completely break you, did she?" 

"I-" It was the lack of response, or the strangled sound of his voice, or the fact that Will's hand had gone completely slack in his, that alerted Nico that maybe this was far more serious than he thought it was. 

"Will? Will? What's wrong? Are you okay?" 

"I- Nico, I'm fine. I- It's just- Nobody has ever called me their hero before." Will looked almost embarrassed by that fact, as if it were almost shameful and Nico was suddenly reminded of the time Will had had a breakdown over all the people he couldn't save, all of those who had died because of the War, how he should have been on the front lines defending them with his life like Nico, and been a better healer. At the time, he never would have suspected that someone like Will-easygoing, naturally charming, handsome, brave, talented-would have had all of those insecurities and doubts and fears and regrets, and he'd been stuck inside his own head, battling his own demons, too engrossed in himself to properly help Will.

He felt guilty now: clearly, something had happened to Will to make everything resurface, and should Nico had done something more? He was bad at this whole boyfriend thing, and the vague feeling of having cheated Will out of someone better took a clearer shape, but he pushed the thoughts away. If Will could read minds, he'd probably tell Nico that he was being stupid, that he most certainly had not been cheated out of anything, and that Nico didn't need to worry about him.

Nico focused on the beautiful boy in front of him, holding his face in two hands, "Will. All of that stuff that Maria said we told her? It's true, and you don't even know half of what we told her. It's no wonder she idolizes you. I told her a lot of things that-" Nico cut himself off, blushing, before resuming slightly more shakily, "well, if you heard me, you wouldn't ever say that I'm not a romantic again. You're. Well. You called me a hero and a savior, but the truth is, you're the hero, Will Solace. You're my savior." 

He finished nervously, half sure that he'd fucked up everything and gone too far, half sure that it was exactly what Will needed to hear. He thought that Will was going to tell him to back off, or maybe tease him about being a sap, or maybe squeeze his hand slightly tighter in silent appreciation. What he hadn't been ready for was the blinding smile his boyfriend gave him, a smile so bright and blinding that it took his breath away. It was a smile of appreciation, but it was also full of adoration and _love_, and Nico didn't know how he was still standing and breathing, because he was sure that his brain had just short-circuited, full-on stopped, and that by all means he should have blacked out, knocked out by the sheer force of that smile-

"You know, I think. It's kind of early, but I think I might love you. And, if not now, someday."

His mind blank, he did the only thing he could think of at the moment, which was to say, "Me too."

Will laughed, light and hazy, and kissed him sloppily. He tasted sweet and bubbly, and for a moment, all things were bright and beautiful. 

Then, he fainted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is slightly different this time but I hope you liked it! Kudos and comments really make my day! 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr [here](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ibtp).


	4. Chapter 4

When he woke up in the infirmary, it was to a crowd of worried demigods, chief among them being Nico. 

He smiled dizzily, his head pounding as if he had a hangover, and he groaned slightly as the room tilted when he tried to get up. 

There was some shouting, and suddenly, Kayla was by his side pressing him down into the bed. He groaned again. He felt too dizzy and nauseous for this. 

"Wha?" He managed to croak out. Why was his throat so dry?

"Don't move," she warned him, "you'll feel dizzier and more nauseous than you already do." 

"How?" he questioned, but she ignored him in favor of wrapping a bandage soaked in something green around his wrist. 

"Are you asking how I know or how much more nauseous can you get? Because the answer to the second question is a lot, and the answer to the first is you got bitten by something that bit a hydra on the wrist, somehow. No, we don't know how you're still alive, either. Hannah thinks Dad must really like you, or something." 

His head was fuzzy. Had that really happened? He couldn't remember. Well, maybe. He couldn't think with the pounding in his head. 

"Did he do something stupid again?" He thought it was Cecil, though he couldn't be sure. Someone who he thought must have been Lou Ellen wacked him on the shoulder, and he let out a cry of pain. Must be Cecil and Lou, then. 

"What happened to him?" That had to be Piper, and Jason standing next to her. 

"Is he okay?" Nico peered anxiously down at him (that was a first; the looking down part, not the anxious part). Will felt guilty, looking at all the worry he'd caused Nico, like it was his fault. Well, it was his fault, but you know. 

No, he didn't know what he was thinking either. 

"Well," Kayla sighed, pouring out a flask of something yellow-golden in a plastic cup on his bedside, "he should be. But we still don't when he got bitten, by what, if that thing is still around, or if there's going to be any lingering side effects. Depending on what time he got bitten, he shouldn't have even lasted so long without fainting, or worse. We just don't know enough. Here, Will, drink this." 

Kayla said something to Nico again. Will did as he was told, downing the nectar like he was dying of thirst. 

Somehow, even though he'd had nectar many times before, he wasn't prepared for it. 

The taste hit him like a truck. For him, nectar had always tasted like pink lemonade. It was his mother's favorite drink, and she always brought it from the same brand, which had a unique flavor to it, or at least he thought so. He'd tried lemonade again in New York and it just hadn't tasted the same. 

It tasted sour-sweet, like all lemonades tend to, but it also felt so _warm, _like some part of his mother had left a mark. 

He wanted more, but it was horrible at the same time. 

"Will? Are you okay?" Kayla and Nico had stopped talking, and the latter had moved closer to him and interlaced their fingers together. It was an unexpected gesture, and Will felt touched. He knew that physical contact was not always easy for Nico, and the fact that he'd initiated made it the gesture even sweeter. He put the swelling of emotion at the reminder of his mother out of his mind, and focused instead on his boyfriend.

"Don't worry, Death Boy, I'm fine. But aw, you're worried about me! Does that mean you care?" 

Nico flushed, before swatting Will's shoulder gently. 

"Oh shut up, Solace. I'm never worrying about you, ever again." 

"Aww, come on Neeks, don't be so grumpy. I'm really, well," he paused for a second, "I'm really glad that you care." 

The other boy flushed harder.

"Of course I care, you idiot." 

He smiled, "I know." 

"Good." 

They could have stayed like that forever, just the two of them and comfortable silence, but everyone thought it was a good idea to interrupt them. 

"Oh, gross," Cecil snickered, this time, Lou following suit. 

"Get a room!" Someone (probably Matt) shouted. 

There was some more shouting, before Hannah stepped forward and stopped them. "Alright lovebirds, sorry to be the one to do this, but it's time to clear out. You guys can do all the mushy sappy stuff you want to do tomorrow, but Will needs to sleep right now." 

Hadn't he just been sleeping? Maybe he was wrong; he was starting to feel a little drowsy, now that she mentioned it. 

Faintly, as if from miles away, he heard Nico ask "Did you drug him?" 

He heard shuffling, like a bunch of people were leaving, Hannah murmuring something, and then nothing. 

He woke up again a little later. Hannah was gone, replaced by Cecil hovering in front of him with a not-quite-too worried expression, and Lou Ellen a little further in the back looking much more worried. 

"Hey," he said, his voice much less croaky and dry than before. 

"Oh, hey, you're up. Kayla!" Cecil looked pleased and had a bit of a I-told-you-so look on his face. Probably, he had been arguing with Lou, and probably they had been arguing about him. Cecil thought he would be fine and Lou did not, that, he knew. 

It wasn't the first time it had happened, and he supposed it would not be the last. 

Kayla stalked in, looking extremely displeased, dark and frowning. 

"Oh," she said when she saw him, with significantly more distaste than Cecil, "you're awake."

"Try not to look too happy, won't you?" He was teasing, but apparently that was not how Kayla took it, because she gave him a colder still look brimming with tightly suppressed anger. 

"I'd be happier if you didn't land into the infirmary at all, you insufferable, selfless dimwitted idiot! Do you _know_ how worried I was? How worried everyone else was? And Nico! Those days out of the infirmary were supposed to be so that you could rest and relax, not get hydra blood in your system! How you even got it is beyond me, but why didn't you come in and have it checked! And apparently, Hannah also found that you haven't been eating as much, and what are you even thinking Will?" 

She finished with a look of intense worry and anger, and the tightness in his chest, guilt, rose to a boiling point. 

"I'm..." he muttered. 

"Sorry. I know you've all been worried, but I honestly didn't know I got bit. I just... maybe that's why I haven't been eating. I don't know. I didn't even realize until I fainted."

Kayla frowned, not seeming too appeased but marginally less peeved. 

She ran a few tests, and by the end of them declared with a sigh, "Well, I guess I can't do anything about it. But still- just, be careful, okay? Nico's waiting for you outside."

"He is?" 

She chuckled, "Yeah. He was pretty worried, you know, kept asking me if you were going to be fine even after I already told him you would be, several times."

"Oh." 

He couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he got out of bed and changed, nor when he checked out with Leon, and certainly not when he flung open the doors and found Nico loitering around, trying to pass off as nonchalant and glaring at random demigods that gave him curious looks. 

"Hey," he tapped the other boy on the shoulder. 

"Hey," Nico turned around, and Will was left breathless. The sun has made three-quarters of its way through the sky, casting its light in that sort of way people never said was special, a few clouds lounging about like speckles of dust in a microscope. 

Nico looked beautiful, though. It was not so much the sky behind him that took away Will's breath, but the way his hair cast shadows on his face, the way his eyes looked like diamonds and shattered glass, reflections of his soul, the way his cheeks tinged slightly pink and the single, most breathtaking smile Will had ever seen, pinks lips and white teeth grinning in an expression of fierce relief. 

Will wanted to kiss him, right then and there, so he did. 

"What was that for?" Nico asked when they pulled apart, and Will told him it was because he looked too beautiful standing there. 

Nico interrupted his words by planting a firm kiss on his lips, a little on his toes.

"What was that for?" He echoed Nico's earlier question, to which Nico laughed wildly.

"Because I wanted to. Come on, pretty boy, let's go. My cabin?"

"Sure," Will replied, smiling. 

"You're sure you're okay though?" 

His head hurt a little, and bright spots kept flashing at the corner of his vision, but physically, he was fine. He looked at Nico, really looked at him, the strange euphoric feeling dissipating. Shadows hung across his face despite his bright grin, and for a second, he felt a sort of uncontrollable fear. 

He thought he might know what he feared, but he shoved it down and grasped on to Nico's hand harder. 

"Yeah. I'm fine."


	5. Chapter 5

Will stood in front of the mirror in the Apollo Cabin. 

His own reflection stared back at him, unblinking and unchanging. 

He didn't looke that unkempt. He had some bags under his eyes, having not slept well since he'd been discharged from the infirmary a while ago, and his hair looked more limp than usual, but overall, he thought he looked okay. Not unhealthy, or anything at least.

He smiled again, and his reflection followed. It looked real enough, right? He peered at his reflection. It was a smile curated from years of practice, which now came to him as naturally as breathing. He would even say that he was talented at smiling, if that were a thing. No one seemed to think anything was wrong, even when things were, had never questioned that he felt the way he looked.

But Nico had been asking, looking worried. Somehow, he'd been able to see that things weren't as perfect as he was led to believe.

Will stubbornly did not think of the issues themselves. 

Will checked himself in the mirror again. It should be fine, he told himself. He'd been doing the same thing for years, and no one had ever found out how actually bad things were, seen past his friendly, easy-going smile, not even his siblings, Lou, Cecil, or any of his other friends. They'd known him for years. Nico had only known him for a few months. How could he possibly see what no one else had seen before?

As he left the bathroom, Adrian, one of his younger siblings at eleven, scowled, "You hog the bathroom too much. Even Janet doesn't take that long to look pretty for her boyfriend everyday." Janet was his seventeen year-old mortal half-sister, of who Adrian was both fond of and annoyed by. He saw her often, since he was only a summer camper. He liked to compare Will to Janet, since apparently, they were both "good at cheering people up and both had weirdly cool boyfriends." 

"Well, I gotta look good for Nico, kiddo. I mean, I haven't got anything else to offer except for these charming good looks," he answered jokingly, ruffling Adrian's hair as the younger boy stepped into the bathroom. 

"Yeah, because saving people's lives isn't impressive," Kayla shouted from where she was lounging.

"Yeah, yeah," Will shouted back. 

"Oh my gods people, I told you to stop leaving your lube in the fucking _communal bathroom_! I almost used because I thought it was fucking toothpaste!" 

Will and Kayla shared a look, before both of them burst out laughing. 

He still had the remnants of a genuine smile as he walked up join Nico for breakfast. 

"What's got you so happy?" Nico shoved his shoulder with a soppy smile, which looked even better than it had before they were dating, with the knowledge that it was directed at _him_.

"Adrian almost used lube as toothpaste," Will replied, smile widening as Nico took his hands and linked both of them together, "also, I need to find out who taught Adrian that it was fine to curse. I mean, he told me he never curses when he's not in camp, so it must be someone here."

Nico chuckled at that, "You know, it's times like these I'm glad that I don't share my cabin with anyone. Also, in case you haven't noticed, Will, everyone here curses."

"Please," Will waved their intertwined hands in the air, "no one would want to share a room with you. They wouldn't be able to stand your snores. Also, you're clingy." 

Nico gave him a halfhearted smack on the arm with his free hand, and Will gave him a cheeky grin. 

"Don't worry, love, I was just joking. If anything, I'm the clingy one. Come on, let's go get breakfast." 

He gave Nico a peck on the hand that was in his. Nico flushed a bright red color that contrasted with his pale skin. He felt a surge of pride at making the other blush. 

He kissed Nico's cheek, and couldn't help an unexpectedly genuinely wide smile. 

Breakfast was nice; Nico complained mockingly that Will was a health nut, and Will replied that Nico was addicted to sugar and junk food. 

Nico was wrong, of course, but Will was right no matter what his boyfriend said. 

After that, they rambled aimlessly around Camp, Will having been banned from entering the Infirmary without a medical pretext and the both of them being cabin leaders who made their own schedules, until they reached the shooting range.

Technically, by being there, they were breaking camp rules since Will had been banned from the archery range after he accidentally shot his arrow backwards, for the fifth time. But well, they were both clearly rebels. Obviously. Nico already had the look down. 

Will told him as much, causing Nico to grumble and pout in the most adorable manner, though Nico denied that furiously. 

The archery range was mostly deserted. The day was more on the hot side and most of the other campers had decided to go for a swim since the nymphs tended to be more amenable in warmer weather. There was a single figure in the middle, drawing his bow and hitting every single bullseye. 

Well, of course _he's_ here, Will thought grimly to himself. Nico, though, seemed only too delighted at the sight of the tall, tanned figure. Not outwardly excited of course. It would have "ruined" his reputation or something, and Nico simply wasn't the expressive type in the first place. Will could still tell that he was pretty happy about seeing the other boy though, because Nico saw him and didn't frown, his normal reaction to people he was neutral about. 

"Roman," his boyfriend greeted coolly, "what're you doing here?"

"Oh hey Nico, Will," Roman replied mildly, "just practicing. What about you guys? Came for another archery lesson?" 

"No, just walking around. But we'd like watching you practice, if you don't mind?" 

"Yeah, sure," Roman gave them a friendly smile and gestured to a patch of grass on the other end of the targets, "that should be a good are to sit down on if you want. Arrows shouldn't stray there." 

"Cool." 

Nico headed there and Will didn't have any choice but to follow. It wasn't that bad, actually. They sat directly in the sun, nice and warm, making him feel like he could curl up and take a nap. Nico leaned against him, their fingers intertwined in his lap. 

He was feeling slightly sleepy now, warm and nice.

Then, Roman shot an arrow and hit the bullseye again, and the fond feeling in his chest soured slightly. 

It wasn't that he didn't like Roman. Okay, maybe that was a bit of a lie, but Roman was genuinely a good guy. It would have been easier to hate him if he weren't, but he was and Will thought it was just a bit unfair that everyone he wanted to hate were such genuinely good people.

At any rate, Roman was a pretty good guy. He was nice and thoughtful, attractive with a nice face, was great with the younger kids, was chill, and was always willing to give you a hand if you needed one. He was maybe just slightly too fond of the random birds that occasionally made it over the camp border and weren't eaten by the harpies, but everyone had their quirks.

Will's innate dislike of him was entirely unjustified. It was just that he was so good at archery, a skill which Will himself sorely lacked, and always managed to aim his arrow where he wanted to. He was also so relaxed under high-pressure situations, and seemed to have an innate ability to solve any problem he put his mind to. He was just all-around good at everything, even sword-fighting and hand-to-hand fighting, all the most heroic abilities any demigod could have. And his people skills; Will wished he was as good as Roman. That face too; he was good-looking and Will had caught his fair share of younger campers squealing about them. And-

Okay, maybe he was jealous. Jealous and petty and stupid. He should have felt proud and happy for the younger boy (who was the same physical age as Nico, so a year younger than Will), who simply happened to be everything Will wished he was. Despite being relatively new to camp, he had already surpassed most kids at most forms of combat, which was to say that he'd far surpassed Will, and had fought in the battle against Gaea valiantly. He was also classically handsome, and Will wasn't kidding about the younger campers having a crush on him thing. He also had a leader aura about him, a way of being put together and leading that came naturally to him.

The biggest thing, Will supposed, was that he'd somehow "clicked" with Nico. Yes, he was the one who told him to try and make more friends. Yes, he was happy that Nico was making more friends, and yes, Nico was a lot happier than he had been. Still, despite being much more open than he had been, Nico understandably had reservations. Roman managed to bypass most of that somehow, and had achieved to make Nico open to a level that had taken Will at least four times as long. Not that he'd try to hit on Nico or anything (he was too decent for that), but Will couldn't help the pang in his chest whenever he saw the two of them together. 

Roman was the sort of guy Nico deserved, a strong warrior and a caring soul. Not some useless on the battlefield mediocre cabin leader who couldn't get his life together and was such a mess. 

That was the crux of the problem. Not that Roman would be perfect for Nico, or that Will was jealous; Will was, simply, not good enough for Nico. And still, he stayed, selfishly because even if Nico was _not _the best thing that had ever happened to him, he was pretty dam close. 

Maybe his thoughts showed on his face, because Nico squeezed their intertwined hands, looking at him to ask, "Are you okay?" 

"Hmm? Yeah, perfectly fine. It's all good. Why, worried about me?"

"Well," Nico hesitated, biting his lip (which Will found adorable), "you looked a bit. I don't know. You've been looking out of it for a while. Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yeah," Will gave his most reassuring smile, "I'm a-okay. One-hundred percent perfect, now that I'm here with you."

He gave his best finger guns, which clearly weren't that impressive because Nico gave him an unimpressed stare.

"That's pathetic, Will," his boyfriend deadpanned. 

"Well, that wasn't hurtful or anything," Will replied sarcastically, yawning into the palm of his hand as a wave of sleepiness suddenly overtook him.

Nico noticed, giving him a look and standing up, their hands still intertwined. 

"Come on, sleepyhead, we're going to my cabin. You need some sleep." 

"I'm not," he yawned again, "tired. I'm a child of the fucking sun. I can't get-_yawn_-tired."

"Well, you are now." 

He allowed himself to be dragged (not that he could have stopped Nico, honestly), and that was how he found himself lying on Nico's extremely huge bed once again. 

"Hey, Will, I'm going to IM Hazel, okay? You stay here and sleep."

"M'kay," he mumbled, already drifting off slightly. 

He heard some shuffling as Nico went into Hazel's room to IM her, already drifting off to sleep slightly. 

The last thing he heard before he fully feel asleep was Nico, murmuring to Hazel.

For the first time in a long time, he dreamed of Micheal and Lee.

Somehow, they were back in the battlefield of Manhattan and his brothers were dying, blood leaking from spear wounds as their strength failed. He was desperately trying to save them, desperately trying to feed them nectar and bandage their wounds to no avail. 

"Stop, Will," Michael said, putting a hand on his arm, "you won't be able to save us. We'll die either way. Lead our cabin well."

""We're proud of you," Lee rasped and Will tasted ash and smoke.

No, he wanted to say,_ I can't __lead without you guys. Come back. I can't lead like you two, or help people the way you two did. Please come back._

_I miss you._

But they were dying in his arms, and he watched with horror as Michael's grip on his arm went limp and the light started fading out of both of their eyes.

_Please come back._

_Please come back. _

_I need you. _

_I miss you. _

_Please come back. _

Michael opened his mouth and said-

"Will!"

His eyes flew open. 

"Will! Are you okay?"

Nico was on top of him, hands on his shoulders, looking worried. No, not just worried. Panicked? He didn't know, not with the tears that made the whole world blurry and the sobs that racked and shook his body and his shallow breathing that wouldn't even out and the snot that clogged his nose and he just couldn't _stop_, even though that was all he wanted.

He just wanted everything to stop.

"Will?" 

He couldn't answer, couldn't stop picturing the look on their faces, couldn't stop crying. Somehow, he had started to cling to Nico and he was pretty sure that he was getting his shirt wet, even though Nico didn't really seem to mind. 

"I-I'm," he tried to gasp out, "I c-can't-"

"Hey, Will, I'm here. You don't have to say anything yet. You can cry if you want. I'm here, Will. I'm here for you."

They spent a while like that, Will crying in Nico's shoulder and Nico rubbing soothing circles in Will's back. It felt like an eternity, a moment suspended in time, something fragile and delicate that Nico didn't want to break for fear of hurting Will. 

A while later, Will extricated himself gently from Nico's grip, wiping at his eyes to dry off the tear stains on his cheeks.

"Will? Are you feeling better?"

"Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry for crying on you." 

"Hey, hey, it's alright. I'm here for you, remember? You don't have to apologize for anything. You should _never_ feel like you have to apologize for anything."

"T-Thanks, Death Boy."

Nico gave a soft chuckle. "Trying to soften me up? Do you," he hesitated, "do you want to talk about it?" 

"I-no-I-yes-I owe you that at least. For crying on you." 

"Will, you don't owe me anything. When I cry on you, do you feel like I owe you anything?" 

"No but that's different and-"

"No," Nico cut him off firmly, "you don't owe me anything. If you want to talk, I'll be glad to listen, but that's only if you _want_ to. _Not_ because you feel like you owe me something."

Will digested this in silence. Nico let him.

"I-okay. I think-I think talking about it would be-nice."

"Okay," Nico gave him an encouraging smile, "I'm ready to listen."

He gave his boyfriend's hand a squeeze, and Will gave him a small smile before opening his mouth to spill everything that had been bothering him for so long. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second to last chapter and just before 2020 starts!
> 
> Hope you guys all had a great year and have an even better one in 2020!
> 
> On another note, this chapter is a tad more emotional than the previous ones, so I would really appreciate it if you guys could give me some feedback and constructive criticism on how I could improve. Please comment, even if it's just to share your New year's resolution (I don't have one and I need some ideas lol). 
> 
> I just want to thank you all for reading and for all the lovely comments that really brightened my 2019!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the scene where Will breaks down. This will be darker than previous chapters, since Will possesses survivor's guilt and does mention suicide. Please proceed with caution if you are sensitive when it comes to these things.

"So you want to, um, know what's been wrong with me?"

Nico nodded his head but didn't say anything, and Will got the impression that he was waiting, but patiently. Will swallowed thickly, feeling awkward and guilty at the atmosphere, so thick you could have cut it with a knife. And not even the nice kind, like sexual tension or something. 

"Um, okay, I mean. I-I don't really know where to start. Um, I mean. What do you want to know?"

He would have started fiddling with the bedsheets, had Nico not grabbed Will's hands, gentle and soothing, and said, "Will. If you don't want to talk about this, it's fine. I'm not going to force you to do anything. It's justwell, I thought maybe you'd want to tell someone, about, um, everything I guess. You _don't_ have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"Um," he bit his lip, pausing for a careful moment, before saying, "yes? I-I wouldI think I'd like that." 

"Okay then," Nico murmured quietly, their hands still intertwined, and pulled Will a fraction closer to himself, "I'm listening." 

This was the second time Nico had said that, and Will chewed on his lips. Where would he even start anyway? 

"Well..." he hesitated, bit his lip nervously and hedged, "actually, um, I'm not sure about this. I don'tI shouldn't really be bothering you with this kind of stuff you know? Like, you already have enough shit to deal with. I'm... fine."

"Will, Iwhat? Will, honestly, I don't mind listening to you, you know? It's not like this is like, a _problem_ or anything! I justWill, of course it isn't a problem. Like, you always help me deal with my problems, don't you? Why do you think that somehow when it comes to you it's a bother?"

"It's _different_! You're-you're a hero! Helping you with your problems if the _least_ I can do! Honestly, as your healer, I should be doing _more_. As your boyfriend, I should be doing more. Of course it's different! You're, well, _you_ and I'm just me. Of course it's different, Nico." 

The thing was, he was magnificent, but Nico did have a warped view of the world. He didn't seem to think that he was great (he was more than great, actually), and in Will's opinion, he had a far too great opinion of Will himself. 

"Nico, you're perfect and everything, but honestly sometimes you just don't _understand_."

"I won't understand, Will, if you don't _tell_ me ," Nico replied flatly, his eyes hard and just slightly hurt. _Ah, shit._

"No, no, Nico, I'm so sorry, it came out wrong, I didn't mean it like that! I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that. I just meantwell, you're so perfect, and you never see that. You're so amazing even though you always put yourself down, and I just don't get it, sometimes. Like, you're beautiful and you're smart and you're strong and you're like the coolest thing that ever existed! I justSometimes, I just..."

"Just what?"

"Sometimes, I justI can't understand why you ever let mewhy you chose me!"

Nico stared at him, gaping a little. He gripped Will's hands tighter, a dazed expression on his face, opening his mouth at intervals as if his voice was lost, and finally said, "I neverI didn't know that you thought of yourself like that. I thoughtwell, I thought you knew. I'm not that great but, Will, you're fucking _amazing_."

Wow. He must have meant it; he must have felt very strongly about that, considering that Nico cursed only in dire situations (and a lot less than him; like, a lot), and if the tight grip on his hands were anything to come by, he was slightly distraught, too. 

"I'myou only say that because I've basically forced myself on you. There's so many better people. You just haven't met them. I'm notI'm hardly the best person out there. You could be with some, like, some hero if you wanted. There's so many people that would be so much more deserving of you than me."

"No, there isn't," Nico said firmly, and then softer, "Will, why do you think you don't deserve me?"

"Because I'm just, well, not. I don'tI don't know how to kill monsters, I don't know how to save the world. I don't even know how to save a person. I don'tpeople die because I couldn't save them. People _have_ died because I couldn't save them," he choked out, firmly suppressing a sob in the back of his throat. 

"Will," Nico hesitated slightly, "is thisis this about someone? Someone else?"

There seemed to be more he wanted to ask but didn't know how to, and Will didn't know what to say or how to say the things he wanted to say. 

"I-I..." he trailed off, unsure.

How could he explain himself to Nico, who would be the first one in a long, long time to hear everything he'd kept closed up? How was he supposed to expose himself when for so long, all he had ever done was suffocate himself, try to keep his secrets close to his chest and a smile on his face? How was he supposed to explain that this was a culmination of everything, of one thing on top of the other, that it was the total of every single bad thought he'd ever had and every time he had cried silently in the bathroom?

"Kind of. I had a dream," he finally said, "or a nightmare. I-I dreamed of..."

He choked on their names. It had been so long since he'd said them, and he still wasn't sure if he wanted to say them. Time might heal all wounds, but it hadn't been too long since their death and the pain was still raw in a way he wasn't sure he could express.

"Lee and Michael. My brothers," he choked out, "I dreamed of Lee and Michael. They were dying and I just couldn't, gods, couldn't save them."

"Oh," Nico said, "oh. Will, I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"Still, Will, I know it hurts," he said softly.

He lifted their intertwined hands and kissed Will's softly, before saying, "They were important to you, weren't they?"

"Yeah. They were."

"Of course it hurts then."

"It was all my fault. They were dying, Nico. And there was nothing I could do about it. They were dying, and I just let them die. I couldn't save them. What kind of medic am I? I'm supposed to be this amazing healer and I couldn't even save them. What use do I have then? I just let them die."

Unconsciously, he'd started crying again, and Will gently disentangled one hand to wipe at his tears, pressing into his face to try to make them go away. 

"Will, what? You didn't just let them die. There's nothing else you could do anyways, and you tried your best, didn't you? What else could you have done? You can't always save everyone, Will. People die, and it's not your fault. Trust me. Sometimes, it's just their time to leave. It's what the Fates decided."

"But what if it's not? What if it _is_ my fault? What am I even saying? Of course it's my fault. Gods, I don't even know, Nico. Sometimes, I'll think about them. Imagine all the different way things could have gone, you know? Try to see if there was anything that I could have done differently to save them. The thing is they didn't have to die. Gods, if I'd just been betterif I was a fightermaybe they'd still be alive. You know, sometimes I'll dream of a world where they're still alive. It hurts, you know? To know that if I had just done something differently, if I'd just been better"

He cut himself off, but there was still words he wanted to say, clogging the back of his throat, and they poured out of him again unwittingly, everything that he had bottled up for so long, all of his fear rushing out of him, like a river when a dam collapses. 

"I'm supposed to be a healer. I'm supposed to _save_ people. If I can't even save the people that I care so much about, how am I supposed to save everyone else? And if I can't save everyone else, what use do I have? This is the thing I'm supposed to be good at. I'm weak and I can't fight. This is the only thing I do that matters, and I can't even do it correctly? What's the point of me, then?"

He was talking faster now, almost maniacally, his mouth moving and moving and moving and he couldn't stop it, couldn't shut up, couldn't just leave this alone. The dam was broken now, completely and utterly, and the water was rushing so fast and so hard that nothing in the world could have stopped it. He wanted to stop, wanted to stop talking, but he couldn't, he couldn't and he was talking and talking and talking and

"Who am I kidding anyway? Apollo cabin leader? Gods, I'm no Lee or Michael. I should have been the one to die! It shouldn't have been _them_. It should have been me."

He punctuated this, his last most shameful confession, with a sob, before putting his hands on his mouth, stifling any potential words that could escape again.

He hadn't meant for this to happen.

He hadn't meant for all of this to come out, for anyone to know this. It was meant to be his secret, forever and always, so no one would know just how much he hated himself. He hadn't meant for anyone to know just how broken he was, that he thought of this as the clear crystal truth. 

It was a shameful thing. He should have counted himself lucky for being alive. What a waste, what a waste, of Lee and Michael's sacrifice. Why had he ever said it?

He hadn't meant to, even if it was true. 

No one was supposed to know.

What would Nico think of him now? 

He peered anxiously at his boyfriend, watching him for any signs of revulsion at the way he so clearly couldn't appreciate someone else's sacrifice, at the way he couldn't be grateful for everything, but instead, Nico only looked more distraught then Will had ever seen him. 

"Will, what?" he asked, and he sounded so broken that Will felt another tear slide down his face. 

Now he had made Nico worried. What was he even doing here, unloading all of his messes on Nico who had gone through literal hell, anyway? He should have kept his mouth shut. 

"Nevermind, pretend that I didn't say anything, it's fine," he blurted out quickly, unable to put up a show of unconcern for longer than a few seconds. 

He tried to stand up, but his legs felt too wobbly, and he couldn't resist Nico grabbing onto his wrists, even if his grip was loose and gentle. 

"No, wait, Will. Are you sure you don't want to keep talking about it?"

He tried to form a smile, he really did, but his face muscles remained stubbornly unmoving, and there was still tear tracks on his face.

He sat back down. 

"Will, II'm sorry. I never realized you felt like this too."

"Nico, don't apologize. It's not your fault."

"I know it's just that I never knew you felt that way. But Will... it's not your fault. Everything that happened. You can't save everyone sometimes. It's not your fault, Will. It's not."

Will closed his eyes frustratedly, feeling a stray tear slipping out.

"Will, seriously, it's not," Nico repeated, sounding both frustrated and determined, and took a deep breath, "Will. Do you rememberBianca?"

He nodded, and Nico continued, taking another deep breath. 

"When Bianca died... I went to a dark place. Not just the Underworld. I-I felt the same way you do. I thoughtI said I blamed Percy, but really, I also blamed myself. I kept telling myself that if I had only stopped her, only gone with her, warned her, done anything, I could have stopped her from dying. I told myself it was my fault. I hated myself. I felt guilty that I was alive when she was dead. That was the Minos year, you know, and even later I never fully let go. It hurt, you know? Even if I could see her, even if that she hadn't chosen not to show herself to me, it still would have hurt. Even if I had that last conversation with her, it still hurt."

Nico sounded so sad, so wistful, so raw; it hurt to see, almost, but Will was too surprised to hear everything he thought mirrored so plainly in someone else to say anything. 

"Even now, sometimes, I'll wonder about it, what could have been. But it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Honestly, I never learned to fully let go, but it hurts less. I have you guys now, too. You helped me so much, Will. You're amazing and you're beautiful and you're one of the best things that ever happened to me. And I love you so much, you know? Even if we've only been together for a short time, you helped me so much before we even started dating. You're amazing Will. Everyone thinks that. Kayla, Austin, Lou, Cecil, everyone. You're amazing. You helped me realize that not everything bad that happened was my fault and that I deserved nice things too. So let me tell you this, Will. It's not your fault. It's not."

Will was sure he crying now, but Nico persisted, his eyes soft but determined. 

"It's not going to be easy. Things don't just magically change overnight, even for us. It's going to take a long time, and probably some very bad days. But I'll remind you as much I have to, like the way you do to me, okay, Will? It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not."

There was silence, and Nico peered at him intensely, monitoring Will's every expression, and Will wanted to cry again. 

"Oh, Nico. You said 'I love you.' That's unfair. I was supposed to be the one to say it first. You fucking sap."

Nico let out a rasping chuckle at that and cupped the sides of Will's face delicately before leaning into a kiss. 

It wasit was nice. It was slow and gentle, with no heat or passion, only a sort of soft, sweet love in it. Will didn't know if it could count as romantic per se; it was more like an affirmation, a sort of quiet vow that Nico was swearing to him. It was all of his support and all of his love, his belief that things could change for the better and that he would stand by Will no matter what; a promise of unconditional love. 

A kiss for the future. 

Will sighed, leaned into it.

Like a promise. 

_It's not your fault. _

_I love you. _

_Things will get better. _

_It'll take time, and some very bad days, but thing will get better. _

_You'll see. _

"Is he okay?" 

Nico blinked, closing the door behind softly.

"Is he okay?" Kayla asked again, Austin behind her along with Lou and Cecil, as always. 

"Yeah, he'sokay, I guess isn't the word for it. But he's not too bad, I'd say. Um, I think. He's sleeping right now. How did you guys know?"

"Know what?" Lou questioned, frowning slightly. 

"O-Oh. You don't. Oh. Um, I don't know if it's my place to tell. But, um, Will kind of had a nightmare, I guess? I won't go to much into detail because I think he might want to tell you guys himself but yeah. He's fine now. He's sleeping."

"A nightmare?" Kayla asked, sharing a charged look with the others, but she didn't press, probably because she thought that Nico wouldn't tell them more. He didn't know if he should. On one hand, Will clearly needed help. On the other hand, wouldn't it be a breach of trust to tell them that he needed help?

"I don't know if I can tell you guys more. I just think, uh, that when he wakes up we should all make sure that Will knows we're with him. Like, that we'll support him no matter what. I thinkI think that he needs that."

Kayla softened, shared another look with the other three, and said, "Of course. INico, thank you. Iwe have been meaning to say this for a while. I know sometimes it can be hard, and I know everything was pretty tough on him. Especially Lee and Michael. On Will, I mean. I think, if I'm guessing right, you're probably the first person he's talked to about all of this in a long time. He won't talk to us because he's afraid he'll be a burden or something, which obviously he won't, but thank you. For everything. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that. You're a good person, Nico."

"She does," Lou confirmed. 

"Yeah man," Cecil nodded.

"You're cool, Nico," Austin added. 

"I. Oh. Thanks, Kayla, Lou, Cecil, Austin. That, uh, means a lot. And of course I'll be there for Will. I always will be."

Nico did feel unexpectedly touched by this, in a way he didn't think he would be. He had stopped looking for approval everywhere he went, and he had tons of friends now, but it was surprisingly nice to hear that they thought of him so highly, especially that they trusted him when it came to Will. 

It was easy enough to be cool with someone as a friendly acquaintance, or even as a friend; but trusting that someone you love will be fine, trusting that their vulnerability won't be rebuffed? 

That was high praise for someone's character. 

"Good," Kayla said, her mouth curving into a smile, "now, it's dinner time, so come on. Will would never forgive us if we let you skip a meal. Don't worry, I'll stay, like the amazing sister I am, and you can just bring a plate back for him or something. Also, just tell Chiron that Will wasn't feeling well. He loves Will. I'll make sure he's fine, just like the great sibling I am. Definitely better than Austin."

Austin made a noise of protest.

"Amazingly modest, too," Nico remarked drily. He was sure they were exaggerating in an attempt to make the tone lighter, and he appreciated it. 

"Exactly," Kayla beamed at him, and Nico let himself smile. Dragged by the other three to eat, he shot a last look at his cabin where Will was still sleeping, and smiled even wider. 

He had meant everything he had said in there, as much for Will as himself. 

_Progress_, he could have said. 

He had already reached rock bottom before, and from now, things were only going to go up. He loved Will and he would stand by him, just as he had said. 

Things were getting better. 

Nico smiled, looking at the sun. 

Things were looking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I know it's been a while since I last updated, so thank you for your patience. 
> 
> I also wanted to tell you guys that in terms of what will happen next to this series, I honestly don't know. I originally planned for this to have a total of six fics, but things have been a bit hectic in my personal life so I honestly don't know if I will continue. I also have another fic I need to finish and I'm working on a draft for something else, so even if I do continue, it might take some time. 
> 
> As always, please leave kudos and comments, and I really hope you guys enjoyed this series! Thank you for reading!
> 
> Considering what's happening in the world right now, please stay safe. Thank you again to everyone who's read this and especially those who left kudos and comments. They really made my day!


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